Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
