2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
