the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
