I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
