Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
