sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
