you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
