even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
