No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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