She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
you made out with another girl for some wings
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
