Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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