Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
