I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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