this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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