Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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