I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
