How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
