Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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