explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
nutella sex= disaster
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
