Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
this hospital has no fireball
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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