I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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