Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So apparently I’m into choking now
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