Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
