at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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