I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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