I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I wear drunk well.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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