you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
