Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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