I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
whose ass print is on the piano?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
