I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
