I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
