Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
