Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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