May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
