how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
