theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
