So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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