I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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