Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
