It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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