I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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