so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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