There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
