I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
