I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
