why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
