Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
