I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
