I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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