So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
