Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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